Fluid

We are constantly changing beings. It's the simultaneous blessing and curse of humanity. Everything is situational, and everything moves and changes. This fluidity creates a layer of moral gray that is sometimes completely impenetrable. These last few days have been a smothering coat of moral gray, and I feel that I have failed and succeeded in equal parts. May God forgive me for my failures, for not fighting for those who had no voice... what stopped me? I would like to say it was shock, because what they did and said was so truly atrocious that I froze and did everything wrong, but the more likely answer is fear. The battle against it never seems to be won. As soon fear is pushed back another moral dilemma gets thrown into my face, another battle is fought, and fear strikes again. It sneaks up on me when I'm not looking, disguised as something harmless and it beats me down with an iron fist. I feel like bloodied moral pulp. I've been distracted and rambling philosophical nonsense to Jaime for a full 2 days now- on mile 5 of our trail run today I abruptly stopped to "stretch" and talk, all in a misguided effort to calm my mind. All I succeeded in doing was screwing up our run time and bringing out Jaime's psychology training.  It needs to end, but it never will, because life is fluid. Fear is a part of this fluidity, just as uncertainty and death and anger are. None of these things exist in the human spectrum of emotion without the changing of time. The issue is handing it off to the One who has conquered fear. I can choose to not be ruled by fear, but I cannot choose to banish it. I will pick myself up and try again tomorrow, knowing that there is grace for the foolish and healing for the broken, and remembering that His love is stronger than my fear. 

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.  ~Ambrose Redmoon