Today, in the spirit of artistic creativity, I decided that the rip in my soul should be photographically symbolized, in hopes that somehow it would help me heal. I don't feel like I'm getting better- I don't feel like I am where I should be, not after all the good that was lavished on me in my past relationship. Surely that much good must cancel out some of the pain when the good finally ends? How can it not? Are the laws of the universe truly that skewed?
The universe aside, my sister and I spent a long time today dreaming up a scene that would put into pictures the ache I feel in my heart. We knew the snow would be perfect- I feel so dead inside, all of the time. We put time and energy into each strand of hair, each brush of makeup- each bit meant something, symbolized something. We finished getting ready, and I knew I had painted a mirror image of my soul onto my body. It was right.
The shoot was cold. It made me ache, a deep pain into my bones that slowly sucked away any desire but that of keeping warm. It was strange, how the pain helped the pictures come into focus- in my mind, and on camera. The windchill was -5 degrees. It was a miracle I was able to focus as well as I was. But here's the curious thing- there was so much beauty in the shoot. As I waded through the snow, ruining my perfect wedding dress with its perfect princess design, watching everything I had hoped and dreamed and worked for slipping away like the wind, I felt so ALIVE. So happy, so free- I still ached, the cold bit me, physically and emotionally- but I saw, before the pictures were ever completed, that there was beauty from this pain. An aching, uncontrollable beauty that was going to absolutely lavish more beauty on everything it touched. This disaster, this rip in my soul, has opened a geyser of hope and beauty that never would have been seen otherwise. I am myself again. I have come out alive and full. You see the pain in the pictures, but you also see the beauty- this foolish boy set out to destroy me, and he has only made me more stubborn and more alive. I ache still, I don't know if it will ever stop... but I see the beauty now! I see the hope, and I see the life. I am better now. I am more beautiful now. I have been changed.
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